Alain

“I feel kinda lost. I’ve always lived my life with some clear structure and overarching goals in mind, but COVID-19 took this structure down. I remember talking about the virus all the way back in January at the dinner table with my friends, and yet it still came as a total surprise when things started getting cancelled. There seems to be a prevailing belief among people like me, with privilege, that things will usually work out. It was CRAZY to think that MY rowing season, my spring term, and my graduation could be cancelled, and yet they were. I was in the middle of finals season when I woke up from a nap to a call from my teammate asking to meet up to talk about the bad news. In the back of my mind I knew what he was talking about, and yet I still had to ask and hear him say the words “the season’s cancelled.” 

Rowing has provided me with a constant and dependable structure for the last 8 years of my life; I knew that every year I would have to train for 10+ months with the goal of getting as fit as possible and racing in the spring. Whether the season was filled with success or disappointment, it was always filled with fulfillment. So much of my life has been aimed towards competing and achieving something every spring, but now there is no spring. It was supposed to be the perfectly imperfect culmination to my 8 years of rowing, and my 4 years with the Dartmouth Lights. I was looking forward to one last trip to Big Fatty’s in Clemson, one last bus ride bantering with the boys, one last race repping the Big Green, I was even looking forward to one last post-weigh-in Pedialyte. And most of all, I was looking forward to one last row on the Connecticut River with my brothers. 

Now I look ahead and all I see is uncertainty. I feel anxious, and I feel guilty for being anxious. Objectively and comparatively, my life is good, and yet I don’t feel good. Even though I know how lucky I am for my family’s health and for food on the table, I still feel frustrated. I spent so long looking ahead, excited for the experiences I was going to have this spring with all my friends and now they’re gone. It hurts not being able to make all the memories that I thought I would make in the place that has become my home and with the people that have become my family. That’s the issue with always looking forward to the future, I forgot to cherish so many of the little moments and opportunities that were around me everyday.”